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Jerry's Illness

Jerry had lived with us for 4 months and 3 weeks when the diary below was started. Both he and I have contributed our thoughts—mine are in black and his are in purple.

21/4/02

Jerry tears a nail on one of his back paws playing in the garden. It bleeds a little but I clean it up and cut the nail short to minimise contact with the ground.

What a lovely day! The weather was warm and sunny, and we spent most of the day out in the garden. Dad took lots of pictures of us with his fancy new camera, and Mum just lay on the lawn playing with us and brushing us. I got a little over excited and ran a lot, and then Mum made a huge fuss because I got a tiny cut on one of my back paws. She insists on washing it so I scream, and then she feeds me liver treats.

23/4/02

While out in the fields laying on a blanket in the late evening sun I notice a lump in Jerry's mouth. It is right at the back between two teeth, and it doesn't seem to be bothering him, so I make a mental note to mention it if I ever take him to the vet for anything else.

Mum just loves to poke and prod us. Tonight we took a blanket over to the fields so we could lay in the sun while Jack rushes around. George and I prefer a more relaxed pace, so while I was quietly snoozing Mum starts poking round in my mouth. She does this sometimes and what is even worse is that sometimes she likes to brush my teeth yuck. Anyway after a while she stops and rubs my belly instead which is far nicer.

24/4/02

Jerry appears quite lame on one of his hind legs while out on our morning walk. The nail he tore on Sunday still bleeds occasionally, but it is the other back leg he is having trouble with. I make an appointment for him to see the vet that evening to discuss it.

By the time I return form work his toe with the torn nail has swollen up badly and he is having real trouble walking with both of his back legs out of action. The vet suggests we arrange to give him a quick general anaesthetic to x-ray his spine (possible spondolosis), hips (possible displaysia) and his back legs (possible arthritis). She also decides we should remove and biopsy the lump in his mouth, and also get a closer look at his torn nail while he is under. I am worried about the GA, but feel it is in his best interests and at least we will get everything done in one hit. In the meantime he is put on Rimadyl for pain and antibiotics for his foot infection.

This morning I felt a bit sore so walked quite slowly. I was excited when Mum came in from work tonight, and she put me in the car which is one of my favourite things. We end up at the vet’s which is OK as this usually means lots of fuss and liver treats. It was a bit traumatic because the vet kept wanting to touch my legs and feet, and then she tried to stick needles in my neck. I screamed so loudly that the nurses rushed in and everyone offered me treats I must remember that for the future.

On my dinner that night there were big lumps of cream cheese. This is what Mum does when she want to hide pills. She thinks we don't know what is going on but we do and we eat it anyway because cream cheese is so yummy.

26/4/02

I take Jerry in for his GA. He is given a premed in the waiting room, and I sit with him on his blanket while it takes effect. Once he is taken through for the full anaesthetic I collect the other two dogs and head off to visit a friend and her 6 greys. The weather has been brilliant all week and we had planned to walk, but it has suddenly changed into torrential rain. I get soaked just running from the car to her front door.

I am on the sofa surrounded by greys all vying for space and attention when the vet phones to say Jerry is fine and has hip displasia, a bit of arthritis, and a large tumour on his left rear femur. His chest X-rays look clear of secondary metastases.

I collect Jerry at 10pm and he is resting peacefully on his duvet when I arrive. He tries to sit up and wags his tail when I enter the room. Thankfully he eats some salmon and rice when we get home, and I sleep downstairs in the living room with the dogs to keep an eye on him.

Something very strange happened today. Mum took all three of us on a long ride in the van but when we stopped only I got out. We went into a different vet from our usual one (but I still knew it was a vet because they all smell the same). Mum put my bed down on the floor and then I had an injection in the back of my neck. All of a sudden I felt very sleepy so I lay down on the floor with Mum and she stroked me while I went to sleep. When I woke up again it was dark and I felt a bit sore. Mum came and took me home in the van. At home she sat with me in my bed and fed me the nicest food I have ever tasted it was called salmon and rice and Jack and George just keep watching me eat, but I didn't leave a single bit.

That night Mum slept downstairs with us but I was very tired so I didn't really notice. Next morning it was fun because all three of us got to bounce on top of her.

27/4/02

Jerry seems brighter and more bouncy than he has done in weeks. He is eating fine and I am trying not to let my paranoia about broken bones spoil his fun as he bounces round the park with the other two.

Today I feel great. I am still getting cream cheese in my dinner, and ever since that started I feel really bouncy. I run a lot with Jack and George, and when we go walking at the lakes I run through all the soft mud around the edges. Today I even felt brave enough to bark at a strange dog.

28/4/02

I take Jerry to local pet superstore to have his photo taken. This date has been booked for months, as all of my dogs within a few months of arrival have had their portrait done by the same lady. They hang up the stairs in matching frames, and I bought the frame for Jerry’s picture within a few days of his arrival back in December.

Another ride in the van ends at the pet shop. We wander around and I even manage to snatch a mouthful of hamster food when Mum’s back is turned. Then I go and have my picture taken, but I am quite tired so I immediately lie down and no amount of liver will get me to stand up again. Lots of people are watching, and as soon as I move away they all come to talk to Mum and fuss me.

29/4/02

I post Jerry’s story on several greyhound lists and am overwhelmed at the support and the volume of messages I get back.

30/4/02

I pop back to the vet’s to talk about Jerry’s prognosis and the way forward. I have refused a bone biopsy as whatever the results, it won't change how we handle his treatment. Amputation is not an option I feel able to consider, so the goal is to keep him pain free and happy. If he only has a short time left than I don't want him to spend any of it recovering from operations that won't offer him any more quality of life.

1/5/02

I spend lunchtime surfing the net and gathering information about diets for dogs with cancer. I get a call from Sheila (the UK Vollhard diet guru) to discuss the finer points of his nutrition. I am concerned that I shouldn’t be feeding him honey anymore, as tumours rely on sugars and carbohydrates to grow. Sheila stops me mid sentence to tell me that whatever I feed the dog now won't make a huge difference to the final outcome, and his happiness is the most important thing. Diet may buy us some time, but in the great big grand scheme of things it is more important that the dog continues to eat and enjoy his food. This is a very powerful message coming from the woman who has such faith in the enormous effect of a proper diet for dogs. I decide to stop on the way home from work and buy Jerry a Mars Bar.

Mum arrives home a little late and gets something out of her bag. All three of us crowd round and when she gives Jack and George their treat they rush back to their beds. I’m not sure what to do so Mum breaks it into little pieces and then I discover the most wonderful taste ever. Jack and George say it is something called chocolate and is a very special treat. I cover the carpet with drool and Mum doesn't seem to mind.

2/5/02

Today is George’s birthday and he is having a party. We met some of our greyhound friends at the lakes and all go for a walk. The other dogs all go running very fast and chase each other but I stay with Mum and Auntie Caroline and have cuddles. I also do lots of paddling and splashing in the mud, and afterwards we all have birthday cake.

3/5/02

I am back to the vet’s to have our rabbits vaccinated, but of course the conversation ends up being about Jerry. Our regular vet has sought a second opinion on the X-rays, and the specialist who looked at them feels that there is an outside chance that the mass on Jerry’s femur isn’t cancer. It could be a non-malignant growth, or even a bone infection. As Jerry is already on antibiotics for his nail bed infection we decide to keep giving those for another three weeks and then X-ray the leg again. If it is an infection it will have shrunk in size and maybe even disappeared completely. If there is still a mass the vet is keen to do a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis one way or the other. I am still uncertain that a biopsy is a good idea as although I am desperate to know for certain what Jerry has, I am still reluctant to subject him to a surgical procedure that doesn’t offer him any benefit.

I do some research and it seems that biopsys have a habit of being inconclusive, as well as causing fractures and infection.

4/5/02

Tonight Dad comes for our walk, and brings something called a camcorder. While I am innocently paddling in the lake a goose comes over and starts to hiss at me. I leap out off the water and run back to Mum, and Dad gets the whole thing on video.

7/5/02

Took Jerry for his assessment appointment at the Natural Medicine Centre (Herts, UK). They offer a wide range of complimentary therapies, and I have been there in the past with George and had enormous success using a combination of acupuncture and homeopathy. I also took Jack along as he and Jerry are very close, and I want to discuss the possibility of some treatment to help Jack with his arthritis and spondolysis.

We have agreed to try Jerry on a selection of homeopathic remedies and a magnetic collar to see if we can help to make him more comfortable.

Last night Jack and I went in the car to a new place. Jack was a bit frightened because he said it was a vet’s, but I wasn't worried at all because it didn't smell or look much like a vet’s to me. In the reception area they had a fountain and I was allowed to drink out of it. The man we went to see was very nice, and although he patted me all over he didn't hurt me at all. I must be very good, because after he patted Jack he stuck lots of needles in him and Jack made a huge fuss about this. Actually the needles didn't look too bad, and it meant that Jack definitely got more liver treats than I did. We were there for a long time and mostly I just slept, and every time I woke up and looked at Mum she gave me a liver treat. I hope we go there again very soon.

9/5/02

Jerry’s limping seems to be worse some days that others, but tonight after our walk I notice him licking his right hind leg (this is the leg he initially went lame on but X-rays revealed tumour in his left hind). I have a look at the leg and there is a small lump just below the hock joint which is clearly bothering him. This lower part of his leg has not been not X-rayed but I don't feel that an X-ray will tell us anything more than we already know, and I really don't want him to have any further anaesthetics.

That evening after our walk at the river I pop into the vet’s to discuss more pain relief, and also show them the new lump. Despite the fact that I have been in contact via phone almost every day and have warned them how fast Jerry is going downhill, they still seem shocked at how much he has slowed up. They are also concerned about this new lump and the pain it seems to be causing him. They agree to order Fentanyl patches to use alongside the Rimadyl he is currently on.

We had a lovely walk at the river tonight and Dad came again with the video camera. I did lots of splashing in the water and had a great time. Even the vet’s on the way home wasn’t too bad as all she did was look at my legs while the nurse fed me treats.

12/5/02

I collect Jerry’s photos from the pet shop where they were taken two weeks ago. One in particular is lovely and I immediately put it in a frame and hang it alongside the pictures of Jack and George that go up the stairs. It feels good to finally have pictures of all three boys up.

Nigel comes out on several walks with us over the weekend and we get lots of excellent video and stills photos of all the dogs. I am very grateful to have this time to do this.

14/5/02

Take Jerry to the vet for the application of his first Fentanyl patch. I do feel that this is the right treatment to try with him now, although both my vet and myself have struggled to get much information on its use in dogs. The only case she has ever come across is its use post-operatively for a very short period of time while a dog was still hospitalised. Although Jerry isn’t in constant excruciating pain, I do think he is in more discomfort now. He is restless at nights and more and more at other times where he limps around the house whining and unable to settle. Having said this he is still keen to go out with the others and seems to get much pleasure from his short walks and the opportunity to snooze out in the garden. Because of this I am reluctant to let him go just yet, but equally don’t want him to be in pain and constantly tired because he can’t get comfortable. We have started him on a fairly low dose of 50 micrograms and it can take up to 20 hours for the full maintenance level to be reached. I am just hoping he isn’t too 'drugged' to enjoy himself.

Tonight we went to the vet’s before our walk. This is actually a pretty mean trick to play, as when the van stopped and mum got me out I was all excited. Then I realised where we were. On the upside I have realised that if I make a big fuss at the door of the vet’s then the nurses always rush out to fuss me and lure me in with treats. The lady from the cake shop next door also saw me, and when we left the vet’s she came out and gave me a bun. If only there was also a butchers nearby I would have it made.

Anyway again there wasn’t anything bad happening, they just shaved lots of fur off of my shoulder and stuck a big plaster on, which wasn't so bad. Afterwards we went to the lakes and even with my plaster I am still allowed to go in the water. Everyone we meet notices my patch and asks lots of questions then they fuss me, so I think I will like wearing it.

16/5/02

I make the hardest phone call of my life when I call the vet to discuss putting Jerry to sleep. The Fentanyl patches are working well and he seems in less pain without being too drugged, but he has started wheezing heavily and has developed an occasional dry cough. This isn’t too serious yet but I know it probably means the cancer has spread to his lungs. It is hard to watch him struggling to breathe and not be able to do anything to help. Also the lump on his right hind hock joint is getting bigger by the day. Jerry is still keen to come on walks and still devours his dinner every night so I figure we still have some time left.

A friend and I had been planning a weekend at the seaside for months, and I am determined to still go as I know Jerry will love it. It will also be good for Jack and George who haven’t been getting as much attention and their usual quota of long walks since Jerry became ill.

17/5/02

Today we leave for our weekend at the seaside. I have details of all the emergency vets in the area including maps and phone numbers. I take Jerry back to our vet to have another Fentanyl patch put on before we leave. I have an argument with a woman outside the vet’s who complains about the space where I have parked the van. She was reserving it for someone who was due to come and collect a cake form the baker’s next door. I end up bursting onto tears in the high street as I try to explain why I have to be able to park right outside the vet’s. Thankfully one of the nurses sees me and rushes out to help me inside. I think we all really need this weekend away.

When I get home I pack the van and we have a nice easy two hour drive to the coast. As soon as I open the gate and see the large garden that fronts straight onto the beach I know we will have a great weekend. The dogs immediately start flying around the garden with my friend’s two lurchers (they have been down here for a few days already) and we go inside for a coffee. Later that evening we take all five dogs along the green. Caroline comments on how happy and well Jerry seems, and that based on my descriptions she expected him to be far worse.

I decide to sleep on the sofa downstairs in the lounge so I can be close to Jerry if he needs me.

For Jerry’s comments on his weekend away please read My Second Holiday.

18/5/02

Jerry had a really bad night last night. He was more unsettled than he has been in a while, and really seemed to struggle to get comfortable. I was up and down a lot with him, but he doesn’t want to stay in one position for more than a couple of hours. He is also wheezing a lot more and has developed a worrying little cough. For the first time ever he refuses breakfast.

He does, however, have a good run on the beach, although he is choosing to interact less with the other dogs as I think he realises all of their flying about is too much for him now. It is still a joy to see him trotting off to explore the rock pools or paddle in the sea.

We spend most of the day lying around in the garden, grooming and fussing the dogs. I try to tempt Jerry to eat with a variety of things but he refuses (even chocolate biscuits).

Caroline and I have a long chat and she agrees that after living with him for 24 hours, it is the right thing to do to let him go soon. Although it is a sad and difficult time we decide to be positive and enjoy the time we have left. I also find it deeply reassuring to be honest with Caroline, whose opinion I trust and respect. Knowing that she can see what Nigel and I see makes me feel much easier about our decision.

When we set off on our evening walk Jerry turns for home almost immediately. I go back to the beach house with him, while Caroline takes the other four along the green by the beach for a run.

When I go to collect fish and chips for tea I also buy a selection of chip shop goodies in the hope that something will tempt Jerry to eat. He manages a small amount of pasta and saveloy sausage.

Jerry chooses to settle out in the hall, and I go and sit with him for a while. He seems calmer and is breathing a little easier, so I hope we will have a better night. I talk to him about what is happening, and then go upstairs to have a bath and a good cry.

19/5/02

Jerry slept better last night and seems very bright when we go onto the beach for our morning run. He prances along quite happily, and I am pleased we bought him here for this weekend. When we get back he even manages quite a decent breakfast of salmon and rice. We spend the morning out in the garden playing with the dogs and taking video and pictures. While I am packing the van, Jack and George stay out in the garden but Jerry comes and lays by the front door where he can keep an eye on me!

By the time I load my three in the van after lunch they are all completely exhausted and fall asleep immediately, staying that way for the entire trip home.

All the dogs seem pleased to be home again. Jerry seems quite settled, but does not really want to go for a walk, and all I can get him to eat is a packet of ham slices.

20/5/02

I go into work for a couple of hours but come home before lunch to be with the dogs. Nigel also comes home early, and we all head off to one of our favourite local walking places. We are weighed down with cameras, camcorders and treats, because although really want to pretend that this is not Jerry’s last proper walk, it is. The sun is shining and all three dogs have a lovely time. Jerry feels good, and goes in the water, and often trots on ahead of us. We all stop for a rest in the large meadow and take loads of photos.

Nigel and I spend much of the evening talking and crying. Everything is booked for tomorrow, but as Jerry has had such a good day I wonder if we are letting him go too early. Deep down I know that this is the best way for it to end, as he hasn’t really suffered but very soon he will be having more bad days than good. His appetite is waning, he is starting to lose weight, and he is coughing more often.

That night I sit down with Jerry and tell him that tomorrow morning we are going to let him go. I explain that Nigel and I will be with him, and once he has gone he will not struggle or be in pain anymore. I cry and cry while I tell him how much we love him, and how pleased we are that he was part of our lives.

For the first time in weeks Jerry sleeps through the night.

21/5/02

I try to make this as normal a morning as possible. We get up, and I take the dogs to the park. They have breakfast when we get back, and Jerry manages some salmon. When Katie (the vet) arrives I put Jack and George in the garden, and sit with Jerry on his bed. His leg was shaved the previous week, as I wanted this to be as minimally traumatic for him as possible.

Nigel sits beside us and feeds him ham slices, but he jumps when Katie tries to put the needle in his leg. She immediately backs off, and we decide to give him a powerful sedative instead. Nigel and I hold Jerry, while Katie uses a fine needle to inject sedative into his back. The three of us then sit down in the living room, and Jerry quickly wanders in and curls up on his bed. I sit stroking him while he drifts off to sleep. When he is deeply asleep Katie injects the final drug, and we just sit stroking and talking to him. After a while Katie checks for a heartbeat and confirms that he has gone. Nigel, Katie and I put him onto his special blanket sent by his friends from Circle of grey in America.

Once Katie has left, we let Jack and George back in, and all sit together in the living room for a while. It is the strangest thing, as he just looks like he is asleep, and I am almost sure I can see him breathing out of the corner of my eye.

Eventually Nigel and I and carry him out to the van wrapped in his special blanket. We drive him to Cambridge Pet Crematorium where we have him individually cremated. We wander around the gardens to wait for his ashes so we can take our boy home with us.

In the waiting room there was a book with this poem, which I feel perfectly captures how I feel about losing Jerry.

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